sleepinglessons

8 more fucking weeks of school, then senior year is over and done with. And my confined educational being will be free. Graduation can't be any closer yet it seems like it's taking forever.
Adam and I are wonderful. I'm really happy. Getting a new car tomorrow.
Which I'm extremely excited for!
Now all that's left to do is get that piece of paper.
Oh and a job so I'm not broke ass all the time.
No one reads this anyway but I enjoy writing it, it's soothing? Maybe.
Toodles
-Karly

So.. it's my last year and then I'm getting the fuck out.
Everything is so dissapointing and right now I don't see many reasons for living.
I feel traped. I'm so in hate with everything and so in love with nothing.
I consider myself a piece of trash to be tossed and warped. Lately, I have to remind myself to not be so hard on myself on many occasions. It's odd loathing what you are and who you've been... I don't understand why it's so tough, it shouldn't be. I suppose I'm guilty of jealousy towards a number of people, I want to stop some clocks.
Try to understand me.

A summary:
-Friends
-Tree
-Car
-Vacations
-Seattle
-Tree
-Job

I'm going to be a senior... and then I'm getting the fuck out of Connecticut.
I'm ready for it.

I don't really care about much anymore, except my future and doing things that make me happy.

It's weird... that last year this time me and Jess were just becoming best friends.... these past years have been fucked up.

Oh well.

That's all.

With this journal, it's not like anyone reads it anyways.. so what the hell.
Uh, schools almost over, thank fucking god... me and Aaron don't really talk anymore. I guess I'm okay with it? I don't know... I'm kinda of apathetic to the whole thing. Not much fases me anymore, it's good and bad. I just feel blah and like I have no energy all the time. I have to get my gullblatter out. Hooray. Not. I don't know. My life is kind of going down the tube.
I don't care enough to stop it though.
This weekend should be fun.
Bright Eyes and shit.
Tonight I'm hanging out with some cool kids which is fun. We're going to White Castle hah.

I'm done.

I haven't written in weeks. Aaron broke up with me. That's all that's really happened worth mentioning, since that's all that I really care about.

I'm just depressed lately, and tired. God, I'm so tired....
My mom and I aren't speaking. We just don't get along. She kicked me out last week and I went to Aaron's. Blah. I just feel really ill, I've been throwing up for a week, and I have this constant pain in my stomach.

Nothing helps, I have a ton of shit to do before tomorrow for homework... that really sucks.

Bright Eyes tour dates are out.
I bought a few tickets, which is exciting... I'll probably get more excited about it later.

Later.

Yeah, I got my license today! Woot, woot.
I met Jess at Molten for coffee, that was cool. I miss her being a constant part of my life. Bleh.. but moving on to happier things.
Aaron came home early, tonight actually. I called him and he was like "Guess where I am?!" I was confused! But, yeah he's homeeeee. Woot. So that's cool.. apparently were supposed to get a lot of snow tonight and Saturday or something? We may not have school tomorrow. Hmmm, weird. I hope it's still semi-drivable conditions. Or my mom's going to be a Nazi. Lately, I'm confused. My mind keeps twisting things. I'm afraid of loosing important things in my life.

Blah.. I'm just really worried.

Friday was fun. Me and Lisa drove around for about 6 hrs, no lie. Haha... we went to Cafe Mocha in Sandy Hook, which is awesome... and then Taco Bell, and then we hung out with Brendan1 and Brendan2. Idk. It was cool. Then I was supposed to go over Naomi's but I ended up falling asleep till like 1:30 in the morning. Naomi called, and wanted me to come over around 4.. she's crazy. I ended up just hanging out with my sister and watching ANTM and talking over bogess. I went to sleep around 5:30, got up at 9:30... took a shower, and then sat with my SAT tutor for 2 hours, it sucked. I then went up to Aaron's. On the way up there my mom said "We wont be too late."... SO it was about 12:30 and she still hadn't called. I call her and she's like "Oh just stay at Aaron's, I'll get you tomorrow." She was obviously drunk. I wasn't upset because I had a good night... but my mom kind of pissed me off. Me and Aaron drank, watched Forest Gump, listened to a black party haha. I don't know, it was a pretty good night. I just love spending time with him. Then, I had to leave, and the rest of the day sucked.

Thursday, I'm getting my license, I'm beyond scared.. but, I think I'll do good. I just can't wait to have the freedom!!! AHH. Saturday, I'm picking Aaron up... assuming I pass, and then he'll be home for the rest of the week and such. Which is great, I'm excited. I just hope this week goes by fast. I think it will... because, I have 2 more standardized tests, and this day has already gone by pretty quickly.

P.S. I BASICALLY HATE EVERYONE.
ESPECIALLY, STUPID UGLY TOOLS...WHO DENOUNCE ME AS A SHITTY PERSON... WHEN THEN DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME.
HAHA, I CAN'T WAIT TILL THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU.... IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SAY SHIT TO ME THEN, YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. STOP EATING SO MUCH.

I'm in a terrible mood.

School's over at 11:30 which is grand. I'm going to hangout with Lisa and go to Molten Java, I've been craving a mint steamed milk for a few days. Yesterday was incredibly lame. Aaron was in a weird mood, and it brought me down. It's not that I mind him being in a weird mood.. but, I just wish I could help... then other times, he just doesn't talk...and I feel like I'm wasting his time... or being boring? It's frustrating... because I'm always worried of doing something wrong... or pushing it too far. Although, I know he'll probably still love me, he's not an insensitive person. Randomly, Naomi called me last night, I hadn't talked to her or see her in about 5 months so that was surprising. We talked for a while which was cool, and she invited me to her party tonight and basically all weekend. I might go... but, I'll probably feel awkward because I don't know anyone. Me and Ryan planned to hangout... so I think I'm just going to stick to that. Saturday................. who knows. Sunday.......... who knows. I was supposed to see Aaron Saturday... but now my sister asked me to do something, and so did Jess. I want to hangout with Jess more, I really do miss her.

I'm not feeling well... I'm over everything.
I really don't give a shit anymore about much of anything.
Except a few close friends, and Aaron.
School is a waste... and I gave up like a month ago. I used to be intelligent. Actually, I still am, I just stopped applying myself. Luckily, my grades aren't suffering too much, who cares.

I'm also realizing more and more how much I hate my school.
No one is original, everyone is fake.
People bitch and moan...and talk about people like we're still in middle school.
The majority of the guys are still immature... and make me sick.
It's making school that much more unbearable.

Maybe, I'm just in a bad mood.

long.... but, it went by fast. That doesn't make sense dipshit.
Anyway, tomorrows Friday, it's a half day HOORAY. I'll probably hangout with Lisa, Mandy, or Ryan. Ahh... I hate making such tough decisions. Haha. They're all amazing. Saturday, I have SAT Prep... with this guy called "The SAT Doctor".... this should be interesting. Blahhh 2 hours of that shit, will probably make me sick. Great. At least I get to see Aaron after :].
I don't know... what I'm doing Sunday, nothing I'm assuming, but that's not anything new. In a week from today I get my license... fucking finally. I better pass, or I'll kill myself right there in the DMV.
I have nothing else to write. Oh, me and Mandy bonded hardcore today, it was nice. I'm kind of looking forward to softball now. CAPT sucked, and I hate the scumbags in my school, they're all fucking morons... I hate the fact of being in the same room with them, some people just never mature, it's really lame and sad and pathetic. And I hate a lot of things.

That's all.

So, I'm done with all my CAPT tests for the day. Now, I'm waiting for school to be over, see... if I had a car, I could be leaving now. But, I'm stuck in this shit hole till 2:05. BLAHHHHH. I'm getting my license in a week from tomorrow which is exciting, I can't wait... I'm ready. I need it!!!!! AHHHHHH IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY. I'm so anxious right now, about school and about life in general. Monday, I broke down and cried all day, it was lame and unnecessary but who cares. I needed it. Tuesday sucked, I did nothing but dumb tests. Although, the week seems to be going by pretty quickly, which is nice. Aside from that... I have CAPT tomorrow... and a half day on Friday which is nice. Hopefully, I'll be hanging out with Lisa Friday. Saturday, if my mom decides to be nice... I'll be seeing Aaron, which will probably happen. SO YAY :]]]. After, that I just have to wait till Friday and he'll be home from a little more than a week, which is great. Plus, I'll have my license by then. Everything is looking up.

Hmm, I just realized I haven't written in like 2 or 3 weeks. Since, I can't remember that far back... I'll just talk about my last weekend. Friday I went to Battle of the Bands with Casey, it was lame.... what a shocker. Saturday was fun though.. I went out to eat with my mom and Aaron... and then my mom dropped us off at his apartment and I stayed the night :]]. We went to this planetarium show hahahah, Otto had a keg and Brandon was having a party in his room... so it was a good night. I love spending time with Aaron, hes wonderful, and we're really happy together. I'm always thinking about him, when I talk to him... my day instantly gets better. You know when you just need a hug from that certain person to make everything feel better... well that's Aaron to me. I'm in loveeeee :]].

I don't really know whats going on with me and Jess... she went away, and apparently shes moving to Florida in 5 months, that's a bummer... but, I'm happy for her. Hopefully she still wants to try and be friends... because it was great hanging out with her for the first time in months. Idk, I still consider her the best friend I ever had... but, its unlikely things will go back to how they were... I can't expect that from her, too much has happened. But, I'm at least going to try and reconcile as much of our friendship as possible.
Wish me luck.

another year I claim of total indifference.

Bleeep... so Thursday was good, Aaron came over when he got home, and gave me a rose :] and a chocolate covered strawberry rose? Haha..I guess that's the way to describe it. Friday, we didn't do much... just went to Starbucks, and then drove around... into this creepy place- Fairfield Hills, it was kind of weird. Then we watched Super Size me, pretty disgusting but, interesting to say the least. I'm almost positive I won't be eating Mcdonalds ever again. Haha. Yesterday was a complete drag, I went to Middletown to get my hair done.. at the place I usually go, it took 5 fucking hours. Reason being, I decided to take a risk, and put a bunch of blond, red, and blackish chunks in my hair... but when my mom came to get me she hated it... so we had to go back and cover some of them, it was lame. So, my hair is just a bunch of different browns and reds and blond, it still looks pretty good, I just wish my mom wasn't so set in her ways, and would let me do something I like, considering it's my head. Bleh... well after that was all done we went to one of my favorite restaurants... It's Only Natural. It's an amazing Vegetarian/Vegan restaurant... SOOO GOOD.
Hmm... then I was planning on hanging out with Aaron, so I didn't make plans...and he called and said he didn't feel like doing anything, I was bumbedddd sooo I just drank... and did nothing, listened to Bright Eyes, got dizzy, became sick... and ended up falling asleep. Lame Lame Lame.

TODAY though, Aaron is coming over in a little bit, and we're going to go see Arms and Legs at the Empress, it should be a fun show. Arms and Legs is really good... so I'm excited. Tomorrow, I'm leaving till Wednesday, I'm being forced to go to the Casino with my entire family for 2 days and 2 nights of exciting.... nothingness.
-Kill me.

VALENTINES DAY :]
No school today... we actually got an accumulation of snow, whether the state was prepared for it or not..school was canceled, thank god. I hate school more than anything, it's torture. Anyway, I haven't written in a while... and this couldn't be a better time to write an entry... considering I have a shit load of work to do before break. Oh well. Aaron's at school and I'm here, it's Valentines Day.. so I'm not really considering this MY Valentines Day. He'll be back home tomorrow till Monday, which I'm very happy about. I miss him more everyday. I love him :]. It's a great feeling. Also, he has some sort of gift for me? AND a something special if I'm good? Whatever that means, haha hopefully... I'm good? Yeah, yeah. This last weeks been a drag, I've been so slack, the most exciting part of my day is sleeping, it's sad but true. Lately, I've been having extremely weird dreams too... my psychiatrists said it's probably just a side effect of the anti-depressants I'm on... whatever is causing these weird dreams, needs to stop. They make absolutely no sense, and have people in them that I haven't talk to in forever. I haven't really noticed a change in my mood since I've been on meds. I'm begging to think I may not even have a problem but, my mom's insistent I take them, lame.

Yesterday we picked courses for next year...
I signed up for AP psychology and AP Lit.
Photography and drawing, as well. The rest are just classes I should take for college but, have no real interest in. I'm not a math or science person... but, I think I'll really like psych, we shall see. I've been thinking more about college and stuff, its been coming up in conversations I have with my mom...basically, everyday. She really wants me to be a teacher, and I've been thinking it may be good. I love English, and I know I want to do something involving English for a career whether it be journalism, teaching, etc. I'll figure it out. I sort of gave up on my art career... it's not really going to go anywhere. I was serious about it for a while... lately not so much..just because my teacher doesn't feel I can do it, I don't know... I'm just not as confident about it, oh well. We shall see.

It's still snowing this is wonderful, we may not even have school tomorrow. Fantastic :]!

As long as Aaron comes home though! That's really all I care about.
I'm done blabbering...back to balancing chemical reactions and formula equations :| KILL ME

Friday... I didn't hangout with Ryan. I just ended up having a low key night... sleeping, and watching movies. By the way.. The Science of Sleep is an extremely good movie but, trippy to say the least. I also watched Little Miss Sunshine which is one of my favorite movies. I've seen it a few times.
Uhh Saturday I woke up... made some cookies for my baby :], took a shower.. and then drove up to Central. We went to a basketball game... pretty damn exciting and intense haha. After we just went back to his apartment and watched Old School which is funny hehe. Drinking followed :]. I always have fun with him. I'm in love, and it's a great feeling to be loved in return. I haven't been this happy in a while...I forgot what it feels like. Although we don't see each other as much as I would like... it's okay, because he knows I care about him and he feels the same for me... when we see each other it's even better. Distance and space is good for a relationship, it's hard... but we're getting through it, I just have such a good feeling about us.
Love is love, and when you know, you know.

AH these last few days have been crazy. Wednesday I drove up to Central to see Aaron, it was fun and risky! But... every thing's okay, no trouble. All in all I feel pretty damn accomplished. Haha. Last night I went to see Dancing with the Stars on tour with my sister, mom and grandma haha it was actually pretty good, I had fun. I was beat though... I've been so tired lately. Tonight I'm hanging out with Ryan... I don't know what we're doing, maybe a movie? Maybe he will come over and help me with Valentine's day Present ideas haha. Who knows? Tomorrow... I'm going up to Central to see Aaron... which should be great. I miss him.. and it's only been a few days. By the way, he was pretty surprised on Wednesday :].

Everything is wonderful right now.. Aaron makes me so happy, I just hope I am doing the same for him.

I need a nap.

The weekend was a good time. Aaron brought me flowers Friday :] and then we went to Arms and Legs with Chris and Newtown people which was fun. Scott Daily is really good, I had fun. We also hung out with Christian and Emily which was cool, they're really cute :]. Ahhhhd gdhg then it was a blizzard out so I ended up sleeping at Aaron's :]. Saturday I did nothing during the day really. Me and Aaron hung out at night which was great :] and I gave him my early valentines present haha (really lame). I miss him, I'm seeing him Saturday though so I have something to look forward too. I'm going up to Central so it should be fun. I just need this week to be over. So far it's going pretty quickly.

I got my grades today... and uhh let's just say I slacked off this past quarter. My GPA dropped severely, Bleh. I'm disappointed in my self and so is my mom. I should be doing a lot better. I used to be smart, I don't know what happened. Ahh I guess things get harder as time progresses. I'm just not adjusting as well as I would like to be. I hate being a let down, and I have a feeling this next quarter is going to get even worse, eh we shall see.

Lately, I've been out of it. I have strange mood swings that are at random. I hate it. I also haven't been able to sleep lately and I'm not as hungry, which is kind of a good thing but I need sleep... it's one of my favorite things!
That's all.

This week... I stayed home Tuesday and came in late on Wednesday. School sucks and I have no motivation to do anything. I do my work but I feel like I should be doing more. Oh well. My mom's starting to make me look at colleges.. it's all really overwhelming. Yet, I'm excited for my future. Blehh I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know when I'll figure it out. Even when I do figure out what I want to do... I wonder if I'll be making the right choice or if I will be regretting my decision. I'm really indecisive.. it's annoying.

Anyway, I'm getting the Explorer today and I'm pretty excited. I'm also really happy its Thursday because tomorrow Aaron is coming home, then Arms and Legs is tomorrow night and Emily and Christian are going to be there :]. So that's cool. And I don't know what I'm doing the rest of the weekend but Aaron is going to be here.. so we'll see.

This day needs to end. I'm anxious and bored.

I stayed home from school today. I haven't been feeling well lately. Stress is catching up to me, instead of facing it I run away from it. I'm frustrated with people, certain people in fact. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. All of this shit that has happened over the last month was for a reason. I have no regrets, other than I wish I opened my mouth sooner, instead of being walked on for a while. Finally, it is over. You're out of my life for good... maybe it isn't what I wanted but now I'm seeing it's really for the best.

Yesterday, I bought my first car. 2002 Ford Explorer. Its pretty mint. I'm excited. Now, I'm in debt and will be paying the rest back by summer time. It felt good to actually buy something for me, I'm excited... I will have more freedom. Things are looking up.

Friday Aaron is coming home till Sunday. I'm really happy because I miss him tons. Friday night is Arms and Legs with a bunch of other good bands, it should be great. Emily and Christian are going too! I love Emily she's awesomer than awesome. Haha :]. Saturday, I'm cleaning out the entire garage so the truck will fit. Blahhh. Aaron might help me though... sucks for him. Hehe. Jk :].

Everything is going great with me and Aaron... he makes me happy. I feel lucky to have him :].

I'm hoping this last half of school goes fast. I'm sick of school and have been for a while. It's like torture to go everyday.

I haven't written in ever. Mainly because I have nothing to say. It's not because I don't have anything worthy of writing but more that I can't find the right words to describe how I feel. So many things have happened in the past month. I've lost people and I've learned a lot from what has happened. I don't know if I will ever get over it but, I need to move on with my life. I don't deal well with people depending on me for certain things, my future is all a blur. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do with my life. I can't even make up my mind, so I hate to think that I would have been the determining factor in what someone else was doing with there future. I really miss the way things were I just can't harp on the past anymore, I've done it for the last 6 years and it hasn't helped... it's only gotten worse. Anyway, this weekend should be fun. Tonight I'm hanging out with Ryan :]. Saturday, I'm getting a car, and visiting Aaron. He went back to college and I miss him so I can't wait to see him :]. Then next weekend Arms and Legs is playing so he'll be back for that. I'm excited for that show it should be pretty good. Bright Eyes is playing March 2nd and 3rd at Bowery Ballroom in New York. Considering they're my favorite band I'm moreeeeeeeee than just excited that I'm going! It should be wonderful.
Over February break I'm leaving for California. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do... what school I'm going to go to and I think I need a change. Actually, I've known for a long time. Every thing's out on the table now.. and I'm finally starting to realize that I need to do what makes me happy. It's not being selfish... It's just how I feel. Time's up.

WAS WONDERFUL! I had a really fun time last night.
Today, I had to get up at like 7:30... to go driving with my instructor at 8! It sucked... but tonight is MATES OF STATE W/ OXFORD COLLAPSE! :].
I'm excited, I'm going with Jess and Briar, should be fun :].
Adios.

Because, that's when I leave this *shit* hole, I actually did good on all 3 tests I had today so that's a bonus... I've been really pissed off latly, nothing seems to go my way. All I want to do is sleep, because when I'm awake my brain over works it self, and I over analyze everything. I'm really happy its Friday all though I have nothing to do, just the fact that it is finally the weekend is good enough for me. I just found out yesturday that we don't have school Monday which is also great. Gotta love Black people. Tommorow is Mates of State, I'm really excited to go with my bfflz, hopefully she doesn't still hate me. BTW, JESS.... I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS... SO CALL ME AFTER SCHOOL. Anyway, I'm supposed to be doing a project but I can't concentrate, I just need this day to be over!!!! I'm dying here, everyone sucks, I have like 2 people I talk too... I just feel so confined it's lame... and every minute I spend here is another minute off my life... well that's how I feel. I can't wait to get the heck out of here... and go to the city either Philly or N.Y. or even L.A. I'm going to do it, because I can and need to. Hopefully, Jess is still coming so I'm not completly lost. I'm not living for others anymore, I'm finally realizing that what I want to do with my life not what others want is what is going to make me happy. It's just taken me way too long to realize that which is really dumb on my part.